why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
