Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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