Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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