im drinking this country out of the recession.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
