Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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