I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
