Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
