he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Drunk is not a location!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
