sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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