Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My bed smells like the plague
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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