I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
