M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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