Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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