I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Barsexuality is the new black.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
