I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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