you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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