why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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