he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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