rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
