It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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