i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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