I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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