Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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