Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
