ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
