whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I need moral support for this bender
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
