Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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