I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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