Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
A bitchslap is in order.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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