It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
