apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What drink are we having for lunch?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
