I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
