Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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