im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
