I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
