he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
