walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
