Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
