if i died would you start the facebook group?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize