I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
