How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
