I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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