Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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