I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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