You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
