Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
