Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
