she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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