The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
