bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
