Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
