Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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