I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This baby is an asshole
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
