Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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