my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize