just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
