apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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