I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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