This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
