according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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