P.S. I can't hear my feet
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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